Cleaned & corrected by Tronar
And Tanana, who obviously can't see
the end-zone marker under the virgin snow,
breaks into his touchdown dance on the 10-yard line,
only to be given a geography lesson
by linebacker Marvin Watkins.
That's an incredibly embarrassing moment
for any professional athlete, so when we come back,
we're gonna show it to you a couple of more times
if only so that I can keep saying "virgin snow."
Stick around for more "Sports Night," coming up after this.
We're out.
Two minutes back.
You know what?
We're gonna be 15 seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers.
Jeremy, can you get Dan something interesting about Milwaukee?
I can tell you that it is not the capital of Wisconsin.
And while that may be true, I need it to be about the team,
and, oh, yeah, I need it to be interesting.
- I was just saying for starters. - I got it.
Has anybody else noticed
that Casey's been flinching a lot tonight?
He's been doing it for a couple of nights.
- Flinching? -Like a tic. - It's a flinch.
Casey, why are you flinching?
I'm not flinching.
Not now, but before.
- More like a tic. - It's a flinch.
A flinch or a tic. What's going on?
- There's a fly in the studio. - A fly?
Yes, a big one. It's been in here about three days now.
Dave, there's a fly in the studio?
- I'm not seeing it. - Casey says there's a fly.
Is there a fly in our studio?
- I'm not hearing anything. - There ain't no fly.
Casey, there's no fly.
Dana, there is a fly in the studio the size of a bald eagle,
and every time he buzzes my head on a flyby,
it's like a sound check at a Black Sabbath concert.
You're not picking this up?
Dan, is there a fly in the studio?
Let him work through it.
Isaac, I see you're smiling and holding a ratings book
both at the same time. What do we know?
We're not number one, we're not number two,
but we picked up a point and a half with men 18 to 49,
and we took it evenly from Fox and Bristol.
Plus I'm always smiling this time of night. You know why?
- Double Chivas on the rocks? - That's right.
You hear that? We're still number three.
Here we go.
The attendance at tonight's game, 11,323,
is exactly the same as the population
of Hoisington, Kansas.
Okay, Dan, here's the thing.
You're gonna be 15 seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers game.
I have two options for you.
Option one is that the attendance at the game, 11,323,
turns out to be exactly the same as the population of...
Hoisington, Kansas.
And option two?
Talk slower.
Boy, it's almost hard to believe we're in third place.
Oh, yeah, I'm in pain. I'd say this is pain.
Elliott, can you get me
a recruiting file on Conference USA?
Very sure I'd call this pain.
- Just football or... - Football/basketball.
I'd say this is a pain
that was gonna last well into the new year.
- What happened? - Not important.
They told me that if I took care of my body,
my body would take care of me.
I need the last three years.
I took care of my body,
and my body just deserted me at that moment.
No, your brain deserted you, Casey.
Your body was fine.
I have a broken ankle. You're not concerned
- I have a broken ankle? - Where does it hurt?
In my ankle, Danny. It hurts in my ankle.
- You shouldn't move it. - I can't move it.
Well, then, you're all set.
Hey, if that's Dana, I'm not here.
- Why would it be Dana? - I'm saying it could be Dana.
It could be a lot of people. Hello?
- It's Dana. - Hey, I'm not here.
Yeah, he's right here. What do you need?
No, he's not flinching or anything. He seems fine.
- I'm not fine. I have a broken ankle. - We got that off the wire.
Hey, tell her I have a broken ankle.
Casey says he has a broken ankle.
Yeah. Now tell her it hurts.
He says it hurts.
Yeah. Now make this part sound dignified and heroic...
'Cause he kicked a fire hydrant on his way back from lunch.
Would you stop talking about it now?
'Cause he just found out you were going to Vermont this weekend with Gordon.
That is not why! That is not why!
Yeah, he's walking around pretty good now.
See you at the afternoon rundown.
- Well, thanks for the teamwork. - No problem.
Well, did she say anything?
She said you shouldn't kick fire hydrants.
- I didn't see the fire hydrant. - What were you trying to kick?
- I was trying to kick you. - Why?
You've known for a while now that she's been seeing this guy Gordon.
Yes.
- You didn't tell me. - Right.
Why?
I thought you might be upset. I can see now I was wrong.
Look, I'm not upset, all right?
I've known Dana for 15 years.
She just does this kind of thing from time to time.
- You mean have a personal life? - Yeah.
- She does it to make me jealous. - I don't think it's gonna work. Do you?
My behavior is not motivated by jealousy, Danny.
This is not jealousy.
What is your behavior motivated by?
It's an emotion I'm having a difficult time putting my finger on at the moment,
but, uh, it'll come to me.
Dan, I just got a call from a woman named Malory Moss in business affairs.
She needs to talk to you about some accounting.
All right, tell her it'll have to wait, okay?
Casey and I are doing some work right now.
Ankle pain, ankle pain, ankle pain.
- I'll be right there! - Oh, God!
You know something? I can't think of the last time I had a good idea.
This segment's a good idea.
It's not a really good idea.
It's a fine idea. It's a regular idea.
You have good ideas a lot.
I find myself saying, "Natalie's got a good idea."
But you also find yourself saying,
"Natalie, if you screw that up again, I'll set you on fire."
That's true, too, and yet it's the good-idea thing I'm focusing on right now.
Do you like this shot here?
All I'm looking at is the Pepsi sign.
Moving on.
What was the last good idea you had?
When I got up this morning, I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.
That's what I mean.
How 'bout this?
That's good.
I think the way you're handling the Casey situation is very good.
The Casey situation?
I'm calling it "the Casey situation."
- It's not a situation. - It's a bit of a situation.
- It's not at all a situation. - I've already named it.
You know, from, like, the second Casey and Lisa split up,
everyone in this office is convinced that I have a strategy
- for getting Casey to fall in love with me. - You're wrong.
We knew you didn't have a strategy,
and we're glad you've finally come up with something.
I have not come up with something.
Well, at least you're asking for help.
Natalie, I am not employing a strategy.
You're going to Vermont for the weekend with Gordon.
Yes, I am.
- And you bought new lingerie. - Yes, I did.
And you went out of your way
to make sure Casey knew you bought new lingerie.
- I did not! - Right. That was me.
- Natalie! - Well, let's get this show on the road already, huh?
There is no show, and there's no road.
You're going to Vermont with Gordon and new lingerie.
Yes, I am, because I choose to,
and there's nothing sinister about it.
I like Gordon, and I like Vermont,
so I am going with Gordon to Vermont,
and I'm taking new lingerie for me.
This is for me.
Well, I gotta say, you got Casey right where you want him.
- Hi. Excuse me. - Oh, hi.
I'm Dan Rydell. They said you wanted to see me.
Yes, yes, I do. Hi, I'm Malory Moss.
I just started this week, so please pardon the mess.
That's fine.
Look, there's a revolving door here on business affairs,
and I go through this with all the new people.
My out-of-town expense sheets tend to be a little unusual.
Yes, I noticed, but that's not the problem.
- What's the problem? - During your broadcast on September 5,
you sang "Happy Birthday" to your partner, Casey McCall.
Yeah, but I can explain that. I...
Wait. It was his birthday. Why do I have to explain that?
You sang "Happy Birthday" on the air.
- Dana cleared it. - Who's Dana?
Dana Whitaker's the producer of the show.
Ooh, yes. Well, my predecessor didn't clear it.
- Who's your predecessor? - Marty Sheinbaum.
- Who's Marty Sheinbaum? - My predecessor.
Look, I don't have a whole lot of time...
Listen, I think it's sweet
that you and your partner sing to each other on television.
Others may think it's vaguely gay, but I disagree.
Thank you.
- Nonetheless, you can't do it anymore. - Why not?
- It's against the law. - It's against the law to be vaguely gay?
It's against the law to sing "Happy Birthday" on television.
- That doesn't sound quite right to me. - It is.
- You went to law school and everything, right? - Yeah.
- You took the bar? - Three times.
- It's against the law to sing "Happy Birthday" on television? - Federal copyright law.
- "Happy Birthday" is protected material? - Yes.
Who holds the copyright to "Happy Birthday"?
The representatives of Mildred and Patty Hill.
- Mildred and Patty Hill? - The authors.
- The authors? They wrote the song? - They wrote it.
Did you think that song just happened?
Well, yeah.
Oh. It didn't.
Live and learn.
Yes, indeed.
Would they be happy with an autographed hat?
Yes, they would.
Great.
- Along with $2,500. - I'm sorry?
They've billed the network $2,500.
$2,500 to sing "Happy Birthday"?
- Yes. - Ouch.
Intellectual property, droit moral,
fair use, royalty structure...
these things may not mean anything to you,
but I assure you they mean a great deal to me,
and they meant a great deal to my predecessor.
- Marty Sheinbaum. - Marty Sheinbaum.
You know what?
From now on, I am only singing songs in the public domain.
- That'll teach 'em. - I'm not kidding.
Go knock 'em dead.
Jeremy...
- Right here. - Would you follow me, please?
What's up?
I hold here in my hand a tape of last night's show.
I will put it in the VCR,
We shall fast-forward to the portions where I flinch,
and you will see in the tape that there is a fly.
I don't think this is really necessary.
You will bear witness. You will bear witness,
and you will tell everyone that I'm not crazy.
- I don't think anyone thinks you're crazy. - I think they do.
- I'm sure you're wrong. - Well, it feels like everyone thinks I'm crazy.
I have a lot of experience with that feeling.
- Yeah, I'm sure you do. - Yes.
Okay, right here... right when we come back to this scene...
you're gonna see clear as can be that there is a fly right here.
Where the hell's the fly?
Well, why don't I just tell everybody that I saw the fly?
- Look, this isn't in my head. - Of course it's not.
- No, seriously. - I know.
There's a fly in there.
Maybe he only makes himself visible to you.
Maybe he only makes himself visible to me?
Like the rabbit in "Harvey."
No, no, this isn't like the rabbit in "Harvey." -Of course it's not.
- No, seriously. - No, I know.
- Jeremy... - I'm just saying whether it's there or not...
you're making me believe it's there.
- It's there. - I believe it.
Good.
- Can I say something? - Yeah.
- Can I speak candidly for a moment? - That's fine.
'Cause I'm the new guy here, and I don't want to overstep my bounds.
- You're not. - I'm not overstepping my bounds?
Your bounds are fine. Don't worry about your bounds.
It just seems to me, what with kicking fire hydrants
and your on-air hallucinations,
that you've gotten your head turned around pretty good.
I'm not having hallucinations.
The fire hydrant got in my way, and there's nothing wrong with my head.
- Good. - I'm not obsessing about Dana.
- Dana? - Yeah.
Dana's my friend, Jeremy. She's been my friend for 15 years.
- Oh, that? - Yeah.
Oh, as far as Vermont is concerned,
it is my understanding that the weekend
is almost entirely about sex.
Well, that makes me feel, God, so much better.
Sure.
I-I'm not interested in Dana.
I-I don't care about her weekend plans.
- Right. - No, seriously.
Call me if you find the fly.
You know, Landingham's getting dumped.
It's either gonna be Biselli or...
Oh, the guy from Iowa state.
- Kitner. - Yeah.
It's not gonna be Kitner.
It's gonna be Biselli, but either way, it's time to get this on the air.
- You have sources? - We have a healthy hunch.
- You have sources? - Not for attribution.
Get someone to go on the record.
That's when we'll get it on the air.
No one understands the value of a healthy hunch.
Our lawyers understand the value of a healthy hunch.
It's $400 an hour plus court costs.
Get someone to go on the record.
Now, what do we know about the phantom fly?
It's not a phantom.
Fine.
- It's not a phantom fly. It's a real fly. - We believe you.
I'm like Tippi Hedren in there.
Nonetheless, the flinching...
- Like a tic. - It's a flinch.
Listen to me.
There is a fly in the studio, and this is not a normal-sized fly.
It's a jumbo fly.
It has made a habit now of flying into my monitors at a great velocity.
You would think that at this velocity it would blow apart on impact,
but apparently this fly has some sort of protective coating
that allows it to come right back at me.
- Protective coating? - Yes.
Does the fly have any other special powers?
No.
Well, Jeremy thinks it might have some sort of stealth capability.
Dana?
We'll brush the studio.
That's all. Final rundown's at 10:00.
- Hey, Isaac, you got a second? - What's going on?
I got the intellectual-property cops crawling up my butt.
- The intellectual-property cops... - Yeah.
...are crawling up your butt?
The heat's all over me.
What the hell are you talking about, Dan?
I sang "Happy Birthday" to Casey on the air.
When?
Well... on his birthday, Isaac.
Oh, sure.
The network's being charged $2,500 by the copyright holder.
Someone holds the copyright to "Happy Birthday"?
The representatives of Patty and Mildred Hill.
- Took two people to write that song? - Go figure.
The important thing is I'm putting together
a list of songs in the public domain,
and I'm asking each person to pick a song
they'd like to have sung to them on their birthday.
Why are you talking to me?
For you, I've boiled it down to two choices...
"Jammo, Jammo" by Giuseppe Verdi
or "Yo-Ho-Ho, And a Bottle of Rum!"
Are you on any medication right now?
I'm gonna go with the Verdi.
If you freeze-frame this shot here... right...
and lose the Pepsi sign,
you spot-shadow the right inside linebacker,
then cut back to movement on the whole field. That works.
Jeremy, Dana's got me thinking.
When was the last time you had a good idea?
- It was right then. - That's not what I mean.
- It was a good idea. - I was talking on a grander scale.
- I see. - I mean, a good idea on the grand scale of human experience.
- Yes. - When was the last time you had one?
- A good idea on the grand scale of human experience? - Yes.
You understand I'm saying we spot-shadow the inside linebacker?
- Yes. - That doesn't count?
I feel like a freeloader sometimes,
leaving the good ideas up to other people.
I feel like I'm standing on the shoulders
of generations past.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yes.
- Really? - My grandfather invented the clipboard.
- Did he? - Well, he didn't invent it,
but he always used to complain that he didn't have a portable writing surface.
- I don't think you're getting it. - Yeah, I don't think so.
I am certain beyond any doubt
that if Dana and Casey got together as a couple,
they would both be very happy. I think that's a good idea.
- It's a virtuous idea. - You don't think it's a good idea?
- Well, I'm not really one to... - Tell me what you think!
- It's a bad idea. - Look who's talking.
You want to spot-shadow the outside linebacker.
- Inside linebacker! - They are meant for each other!
- The inside and outside linebacker? - I meant Dana and Casey.
I think the inside and outside linebacker have a better chance.
12-for-19 from the field, 11 rebounds, 13 assists...
add it all up, and it's what the old folks call a triple-double.
It's what the Germans call a dreifach verdoppeln.
In Japanese, it's toripuru daburu,
and it's rawa engwa eu
for those of you who speak the ancient language of Acadian.
You're watching "Sports Night" on CSC, so stick around.
- We're out. - 60 seconds back.
The ancient language of Acadian?
That was me.
Hey, Dana, I was seeing you got a birthday coming up,
and I was wondering how you'd feel about "Oh! Dem Golden Slippers!"
Just go with it.
Yeah, that's fine.
By the way, you know what you got me for my birthday?
A box of Mallomars.
- You like Mallomars. - I love Mallomars, but these weren't $2,500 Mallomars.
- They were good Mallomars. - They were fine Mallomars.
All I'm saying is you could have had the four remaining Spice Girls
serve them to me in hot pants... I still say I got gypped.
10 seconds.
- How's your ankle? - Broken.
You know what?
"Frère Jacques" for you on your birthday next year.
One chorus.
In 3... 2...
That's all for this edition of "Sports Night."
Tune in on Monday night, and we'll have the NFL, the NBA,
and all the college ball you can handle.
I'm Dan Rydell.
For Casey McCall and everyone here at CSC, thanks for joining us.
Have a good weekend.
Vermont!
Gordon just called from his car. He's downstairs.
I'm on my way. I am on my way to Vermont.
Five hours from now, I shall be in Vermont.
Do you know what I'm doing right now?
- Going to Vermont? - That's right.
- Dana's leaving. Go say goodbye. - I have things to do.
- What do you have to do? - I have to take off my earpiece.
Ow!
The Green Mountain state. Maple Syrup.
Want me to bring you back some maple Syrup, Chris?
- I've got maple syrup. - I need maple syrup.
- Maple syrup for Will. - Oh, no, wait. I've got maple syrup.
No maple syrup for Will.
- Good night. - Good night, guys.
- Good night. - Good night.
Good night. Have a good weekend.
- I will. - Yeah, I bet you will.
- What was that? - I said I bet you will.
- You bet I will? - Yeah.
What does that mean?
Well, it means that if someone were to offer money
against the possibility of your having a good time this weekend,
I would take that action.
I'm gonna have a good time this weekend.
- I bet you will. - Stop saying that!
Dana, I want you to go to Vermont.
I want you to have a good time. I'm all for it.
Really, I am, except for this ...I don't think you should go.
Don't do this.
- Who's Gordon? - Gordon's my friend.
He's nothing anyone needs to worry about.
Aztec Two-Step, "Turandot"?
Have you been following me?
- No. - Have you?
I have not been following you. I'm not 10 years old.
I looked at the calendar on your desk.
I can't... believe...
Saturday the 2nd,
Aztec Two-Step at the Bottom Line with Gordon.
Sunday the 10th, "Turandot" with Gordon at Lincoln Center.
And I'm assuming, although your modifier was dangling,
that you're going with Gordon to see "Turandot,"
you're not going to see Gordon in "Turandot."
- Yes, that's right. - So?
So knock it off.
- Knock what off? - This. This.
Knock it off. You've been doing it to me since college,
and we're not doing it anymore.
We're not doing what anymore?
Every time your life starts to spin out of control, you come after me,
and you make me feel like you feel a certain way
when you really don't.
You did it in college,
you did it in Dallas, you did it in L.A.,
and you're doing it now.
I don't think you're cute, I don't think you're funny,
I don't think you're smart,
and sometimes I don't think you're very nice.
You don't think I'm funny?
I'm leaving now.
I apologize for nothing.
Well, that's not true. I apologize for some things,
but not a lot of things...
a few things, several things.
I apologize for about half the things.
- Good night. - W-What do you want from me?
- I married Lisa. - Yes, you did.
- Well, now I'm not married to Lisa. - Lisa was a friend of mine.
- Lisa can't stand you. - Lisa can't stand you.
Lisa can't stand Lisa.
Whatever the case,
your life is changing faster than you can manage.
You're depressed, you're angry, you're lonely, and you're frightened,
but, God, everything will be fine if I could just see Dana naked.
Oh, Dana, believe me, I have no desire to see you naked.
Excuse me?!
- That came out wrong. - Make it come out right.
- Look, of course I want to see you naked. - Louder.
- I want to see you naked. - I can't hear you.
I want badly to see you naked!
Yeah, you better want to see me naked!
Look, you know what I do
when my life is starting to spin out of control?
I buy a new lamp.
Every time I'm starting to lose it just a little, I buy a lamp.
Well, you must have one well-lit apartment,
'cause, lady, you turned a corner somewhere.
I'm not the one being hunted by an imaginary insect!
A fly isn't an insect.
Of course it's an insect.
- Well, what is it that isn't an insect? - A spider.
- That's right. - So, while I appreciate the attention,
you and I know that it's not about me,
it's about you being a lunatic!
Look, Dana, you seem to be under the impression
- I'm harboring some kind of love for you. - No!
You're under that impression,
but I know that it's in your head, just like the fly!
"A"... I am not feeling what you think I'm feeling.
"B"... If I were feeling what you think I'm feeling,
it wouldn't be in my head.
And "C"... You have serious feelings for me
that only now are you being forced to confront
and that will likely send you into a lamp-buying frenzy.
Okay, let's review this. I don't think you quite have this.
I have utterly no feelings for you whatsoever!
You are monumentally interested in me,
only you're not, 'cause it's all in your head!
- Like the fly? - Like the fly!
Okay, so just to sum up, you're critically deranged!
You know what I'm taking with me to Vermont?!
A team of world-class psychiatrists?!
Black lingerie... lots of it!
I'm gonna have a good time!
I bet you will!
Knock it off!
You know what I'm talking about,
and it is not fair to me.
It's not good for you...
it's not good for me, and it's not good for the show,
so knock it off.
- Dana?! - Hey, sweetie.
Oh. Hey, I was waiting downstairs.
I thought something might be wrong.
No, sorry. I was just tying up some loose ends.
Well, that was worth waiting for.
Hey, Gordon. Casey McCall.
Hey, great to meet you. I'm a big fan.
You guys are gonna get about 8 to 10 inches
of new powder up at Sugarbush. I checked the wire for you.
Hey, cool. Thanks.
Yeah. No problem. Have a great weekend.
All right.
So... are you ready to go?
Yeah.
I, uh, left my bags by the elevators.
Son of a gun.